As The Magic Descends!

There is this window, the window sill, then a small green grass field, then a tree as big as my grandfather, then a small road, then a vast greenery of so many trees, known and unknown, appreciated and forgotten, then......no, I can’t see any further.

Its sunset time you know. It has just stopped raining outside; the last drops are hugging the dark green leaves, the soft green grasses, for they fear oblivion. I can see the bright yellow glow of the setting sun, in the farthest corner of the western sky. The last of golden rays oozing through the canopy of leaves, like the last smile of a beautiful face, before the serenity of a peaceful death descends upon her.

Chirp...chirp...so many little birds are there all over the trees....Funny isn't it? How the sky and sun and even the breeze remains all same and only times change?

It's a few years later that today I am really watching an evening...When I was a kid, it was my favourite time and most favourite scene.Every evening i used to go to the rooftop of our house, it was quite high! Higher than any one nearby...I could see the the fading smoke of the very distant mills.All around there was that vast expanse of blue above, at times adorned with white fluffy clouds and greens below. How many colours are there actually? How can it be a meagre number of seven? You could never actually believe that...after you once look in the dusk time sky.

That was the time I first encountered the awe of feeling the infinity.

Ever tried to pinpoint the moment of sunset? You are seeing that glowing sun, the yellow one, the orange one , the red one, the redder one....oops! its not there suddenly! My eternal hide and seek!! I always thought its possible to just jump a little bit, a little higher than I could and one can in fact touch the sky..I still do.My little blue sky, my own window of the big...big... universe. It is the most amazing , the most mysterious and most wonderful sight I have ever seen.

Then that magic wand comes out and it starts painting....one, two, three, four... and all my friends come out one by one!! That blue one in the western sky, that comes out first always,isn't it? May be, you know, someone is watching me as well from some hidden corner of this cloud of stars!! My unknown, unseen,un reached companion. :)

Its quite dark now you know...the candles are toooo far away to write this down...its time to say ciao i guess!!!! ************** !!!!

Life Lately

Long time,I have not come to my blog.I was so busy with....well,I cant really remember what it was I was so busy with.But all the same I can convince myself I was busy.

So,after my last post I have shifted to Bangalore,to be more precise,IISc.

Well,I know what you all will say. Wow! That's great.That is a very good place.

Yeah,good. Very good indeed.With respect to the scenic beauty.We almost live in a carefully maintained jungle except that there are no fearsome animals(I have not included humans still).There are beautiful walking paths in the midst of trees and that looks romantic.Well,it just looks.Once,in my second day in IISc,being naive,I went into such a place with a story book planning to have a great afternoon reading 'Brida' under a big tree in that exotic silence.I didn't know ants ,bugs and mosquitoes can make even your most serious resolve die,within minutes.

Hostel life here in general is not life exactly.You can well live in a room without ever knowing the name of the persons occupying the adjacent ones even in 10 years.But one great thing,I have got single room.Damn good it feels after spending 3 years in 6*8 ft space with a roommate.I must not omit the IISc mess.For a hostel life,it is astoundingly good.I bet we have the best mess in the country!Well,sometimes some dishes are neither discernible nor edible.Otherwise its good!

Students here are....well,you know what type of people can be tagged as brainy students.Ruthlessly competitive,snob and pathetically studious. Some exceptions always exist.And as always they are very few.

Work pressure.I came to know the real meaning of the word only after I came here.So so many never ending streams of assignments, occasionally the question paper alone is 4 sheet long,every week vivas,mid terms,end terms...in average we have to stay awake up to 2.30 a.m. Once it went up to 4.00;when I was returning from department to hostel,I heard birds were twittering,they welcoming dawn,me cursing assignments.

I like the professors.All are greatly qualified and teaching is quite good.(Hell,stop being unnecessary critical.)actually some have real command on subjects and they teach way too good.

Will you believe?I have not bunked a class in the entire sem unless it was just urgent!

Being one from presidency,I think I should get a award for that.

Gymkhana.The library is not big...something is better than nothing.We have excellent playgrounds,virtually from everything.And aerobics. Pretty cool,huh?

I don't have friends here.I can give 101 reasons why nobody qualified as my friend.But deep down I know the actual reason.I didn't want to make any.I dont exactly know why I have chose to do this,but I have.Maybe some friends won't be bad but then again I am in no mood to start all over again.

I love the study part.Yeah still.Otherwise I don't think life is good now.Everything being STD away and....

Sometimes I am too angry with everything.EVERYTHING.

Probably I need to just be away from my life for some time.Like a year.I have fantasized about it for a long time.Obviously as with all our fantasies,I don't think it has any chance to be true.Sometimes the sole happiness i can find in weeks is that I have solved some problems of my assignments.I am hearing this coming semester is toughest to survive.That's good for me.Excessive demands from study occupies the whole of me,leaving no time to be sad or otherwise.

So that is how I am these days.Time to sign off buddies(Donno if you are!)

I will be back whenever my time,health and mood permits.And I hope that comes soon.Till then bye!

Regarding Living and Leaving

Suddenly at this ungodly hours of midnight,I am writing my another blog after a long time. Yeah, long time have passed since I started to see the world, in awe, in horror, in surprise...... After spending 18 years in home and then 3 years in a not so far metro in a hostel,I am leaving. Leaving for a long time . Another city, another institution, new teachers and probably some new friends. Yeah, probably new friends. I am not sure I want to mix with people any more.Some how, I am liking isolation. What do you think the goal of your whole life? Working without thought or satisfaction? Relating with mindless people mindlessly? Is it all about continuously staging a performance of living? Is it just waving the uncomfortable thought that you want happiness which your present condition cannot afford?Is it a constant compromise with your deepest desires and fooling yourself that what you have is what you want?Is it about not even giving a effort to know and find what you want lest you lose the feeling which you consider as security? You do it. You do it all.Almost everybody do it all. And it's scarring that they don't even know that they are doing these. Once a person has clarified these feelings, he has two choices left.To live how he used to,saying goodbye to existence forever or to risk his all and everything. That is not an easy choice. Personally I think I am an escapist in case of dealing with the world.I cant bring a revolution.I cant be the change of society.Nor do I want to be.I don't think for poor, nor I love mankind in general. Sometimes even I don't want to be happy myself.That is suicidal. I want only one thing. The rarest. The feeling of wanting happiness. The feeling of being happily alive. The conscious joy. And that needs to make peace with one's own self.I am trying to do that.I will try it. And i will achieve. "When you pray to God for patience,does He give you patience or does He give you the opportunity to be patient? When you pray to God for courage,does He give you courage or He gives you the opportunity to be be courageous? When you pray to be your family closer,does He fill you with warm fuzzy feelings or does He give you the opportunity to be together?" No, I don't believe in God.But I do believe if you truly want something, you will get that.I wanted answers to questions of my life,my soul,my love, my living. This going far from all that is dear and near to me.....is a true sorrow.It hurts. It will hurt. But I hope the sea I sail will bring me to the horizon where there is still the first dawn of this earth.

They say live, as it is yours last day........
Is it anyway really possible? I guess no...most of the people live ahead of their life...just anticipating how better it would be if only ....... and an endless list of those 'if only's. Perhaps the greatest lesson man learns is this, live this and only this day..its just so hard to make it materialize...

Its like running through a mist..a dense fog that don't allow you to even know where your destination is.Sunny bright days are so rare...

Most persons exist, that's all. Living itself is a startling thing.....I have not experienced it at great length for sure...
But just wasting life running or thinking the 'would be' s is not worth it.

So, lets start living then!!!

Let it be a Fairy Tale!

Love me tender,
Love me fierce.....
Love me as you please.



Be there in day n be there in dark
be it the sunset or sunrise...

I want to feel the sweetest breeze
through your loving whisper,
When I find you looking at me ...
that's the deepest ocean ever..





Just hold my hands in the stormy night,
be with me when I sail..
Just help me believe that dream life exists
Let it be a fairy tale!!

And Then.......

Very many days ago.......




She started out in the sun,
thought destiny is not that far!
N even if the day ends she has stars....
to guide her alone journey
N who knows she would get her philosophers stone right in the way;
After all,all she needed was that!
N how can she be denied that?
She has always been so good to every one!

Or so she thought.

Goodness,the sun is setting off so early?
Shudnt it only be the morning?
may be she had the wrong measure of time!

Well,she had stars..
there they are!
See how sparklingly beautiful they are!
she loved them
La la la......

Her favourite song...she hummed.....
Walking,walking and then

DARKNESS

Complete pitchblack darkness
Despairing darkness
it was that night when you cant even dare to breathe
cant even pretend to yourself that you are brave

You suffer,your feety gets strangled and you lost all feelings
Save one

PANIC

Neither she could stop,nor walk...
there was nothing around...
no sign of men,no life;
nothing
And probably then it dawned on her

THERE IS ONLY TWO WAY
Fear or Dare

But this dawning changed nothing.....
She still remained in the hell

Only she joined the vast race of goddamn panicked desparate people!
Whom she had hated and pitied all along!

DUSK OR DAWN?

Hello,


This is my first time blogging ever! I really wonder how to express my weird thoughts...........specially the way they go around these days.


I am 20, a student n...............a dreamer. From my very childhood I did crave for perfection.In case of evrything,be it study or friends or life itself.For a very long time I was practically shielded from this real world and real life.Only when I left my home and went to college and started a hostel life, I encountered it.


What happens when you for the first time come in a very new place? You get startled ,you wonder,you think what is happening around you and what your part is actually..........That precisely happend with me! And its still continuing.........I thought its a fairy world,perfect n happy..........how wrong I was!


I experienced whole lot of things.........there are a hell lot of times when I was racked with sorrow........mad with grief......angry at my foolishness..........and above all afraid that may b this darkness is the only real world and I can never find the sunny bright world.It hurt me to realize how wrong can be my notions about people whom I considered I know best.Pained it me though I never uttered a word........slashed it me though I never broke the deadly silence.......stabbed it me though I nver let them see the bloody wound.


Until I broke down.


























That day I broke my long silence and asked my inner self for help.I knelt down and really wanted someone .........someone who can feel me.And I met my angel.It may sound dramatic but dat actually happened.I could see my anime angel in my heart........she sparkled me with the light of hope.

Very amazing though,but I henceforth realised my life.I still have my yearning dream of living in a perfect world........adorned by smile , innocence and pure love.How would I like to belong there.......................
And yes,I have stopped brooding over matters .

I feared being alone

Until I learned to like myself

I feared faliure

Until I realised that I only fail when I dont try

I feared success

Until I realised that I have to try in order to be happy with myself

I feared pain

Until I learned that it is necessary for growth

I feared change

Until I realised that the most beautiful butterfly have to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly