Regarding Living and Leaving

Suddenly at this ungodly hours of midnight,I am writing my another blog after a long time. Yeah, long time have passed since I started to see the world, in awe, in horror, in surprise...... After spending 18 years in home and then 3 years in a not so far metro in a hostel,I am leaving. Leaving for a long time . Another city, another institution, new teachers and probably some new friends. Yeah, probably new friends. I am not sure I want to mix with people any more.Some how, I am liking isolation. What do you think the goal of your whole life? Working without thought or satisfaction? Relating with mindless people mindlessly? Is it all about continuously staging a performance of living? Is it just waving the uncomfortable thought that you want happiness which your present condition cannot afford?Is it a constant compromise with your deepest desires and fooling yourself that what you have is what you want?Is it about not even giving a effort to know and find what you want lest you lose the feeling which you consider as security? You do it. You do it all.Almost everybody do it all. And it's scarring that they don't even know that they are doing these. Once a person has clarified these feelings, he has two choices left.To live how he used to,saying goodbye to existence forever or to risk his all and everything. That is not an easy choice. Personally I think I am an escapist in case of dealing with the world.I cant bring a revolution.I cant be the change of society.Nor do I want to be.I don't think for poor, nor I love mankind in general. Sometimes even I don't want to be happy myself.That is suicidal. I want only one thing. The rarest. The feeling of wanting happiness. The feeling of being happily alive. The conscious joy. And that needs to make peace with one's own self.I am trying to do that.I will try it. And i will achieve. "When you pray to God for patience,does He give you patience or does He give you the opportunity to be patient? When you pray to God for courage,does He give you courage or He gives you the opportunity to be be courageous? When you pray to be your family closer,does He fill you with warm fuzzy feelings or does He give you the opportunity to be together?" No, I don't believe in God.But I do believe if you truly want something, you will get that.I wanted answers to questions of my life,my soul,my love, my living. This going far from all that is dear and near to me.....is a true sorrow.It hurts. It will hurt. But I hope the sea I sail will bring me to the horizon where there is still the first dawn of this earth.